Lighthouse in a Storm
by geradsredskittle666
Summary: Set in Season 1, Ep 3. McKays POV during the time they were stuck in the jumper with injured Sheppard. Rodney has extreme anxiety but finds draws strength from John to get the job done. Pairings: Rodney/ Sheppard friendship, Rodney/Carson friendship. Warnings: Panic attacks, anxiety.


**A Light House in a Storm**

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Stargate SG1 or Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters or other property. I write only to entertain not never make profit from this work or any of my other works.

 **Pairings:** Rodney/ Sheppard friendship, Rodney/Carson friendship

 **Warnings:** Panic attacks, anxiety.

 **AN:** Set in Season 1, Ep 3. McKays POV during the time they were stuck in the jumper with injured Sheppard.

McKay tried to calm his whirling emotions. Sheppard was hurt. His best friend was hurt. His only friend and probably the only one he might be capable of making. What if he died? What if he was alone? Again…

He knew overthinking was not helpful...particularly if you were against a deadline. Like say 38 minutes.

He tried to ignore the rising panic, but he was panicking a lot more than he was showing. He could feel the familiar tightness in his chest. He could feel the inevitable panic attack. And he hated himself for it. Here was his friend depending on him and he was wasting time. What a waste of genius.

He had already calculated the odds of dying. Of suffocation. Of every other method possible in the scenario. He knew what the odds were of living.

Perks of a being a genius, you always knew what would happen before everyone else. Not a perk if that involved when you would die. Or when your friend might die.

He could feel Sheppard's eyes on him, urging him out of this pity party. Telling him to just get on with it. To do what Sheppard knew he could do. Save them all.

Of course he was right. Rodney had to ground himself or nothing would get done. No saving. No living.

So he would. Because Sheppard thought he could.

He got to work, trying different solutions as they appeared in his head. He hated failing each time. It felt like a crushing weight on his chest, that was already feeling too tight. But he could not give up. He dare not look back, he might lose his courage and all his fears would win. So he kept working. He even tried things again and again, madness at its finest but he could not do nothing.

The others worked to keep his friend alive. Or at least alive enough for Beckett to save. He would settle for either. He was truly scared that John might die. That was a new anxiety and it threatened to overwhelm him. Even worse, it was rational.

Was this what people felt normally? If they had friends or family worth caring about?

Wait no! Focus! Save. Him!

He had to stop a moment. Relax. Breathe. He had to. So he would. Still he found it almost impossible. But he managed a few coughs. Slightly better. He absently turned back to see how John was doing. That was a mistake. John looked worse. And suddenly he couldn't breathe again. But he remembered why he must save them. His vision went fuzzy but he quickly remembered his mission. He recovered enough to get back to his work.

He couldn't ignore what was going on behind him. Every time he heard John yell in pain, he froze for a second. John might actually die! But he had to recover himself.

So he kept his mind busy, His hands busy. His eyes on his data pad or some other work. It was enough.

He knew that Beckett was getting on about as well as him. No success. That was clear from John's cries of pain. That weighed on his chest too. Every failure was more proof they would all die. Because he was not smart enough.

Still he pushed through his anxiety, for John.

Their last plan was by far the stupidest. Kill John so the bug would let go? Wasn't that what they were avoiding? Killing John?

He almost fainted right there, but the bug let go and was killed.

But John was dead. They couldn't restart his heart. Not unless the jumper moved. He needed Beckett.

If only he knew what to do to actually make the jumper move...that would help. Still he could not give up on John. He finally heard the scraping of metal and felt unimaginable joy. Still they would need to move. He was brought back to reality with a cold and sharp reminder of the reality. It threatened to overwhelm him, but he had two pairs of eyes urging him on and he could not let them down.

When they finally moved he allowed himself to take a moment. They would be okay. They had to be okay. If they weren't…well that was no option!

The medical staff flooded the small space, most gravitated to John. Beckett certainly did. Someone was with Ford. Another with Teyla. But they both seemed unharmed so they were let go with the advise of sleep given. Someone put a hand on his shoulder but he waved them away. He couldn't fall apart yet. He had to see if John was okay.

Only when he knew John was okay and taken away in the capable care of Carson, did he let his body react to all the built up stress and anxiety. It was over now and everyone was okay. Everyone would be okay at any rate. He didn't remember falling but everything went dark.

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He woke up in an infirmary bed. He felt much better and very relaxed. Clearly he was given some drug. Still he felt exhausted.

It was dark, it must have been night. John was in a nearby bed sleeping. He looked better too. "Car...Ca...Carson" he called unsteadily.

Carson looked panicked but gave him a soft smile. "Your finally awake." he said kindly. "You should not be pushing yourself that hard! God man, you can be so...so...thick!" he said angrily, however it was mostly veiled concern.

"I couldn't let him die" he explained without hesitation.

Carson softened. "I know, Lad. You save them all." he said kindly.

"Is John okay?"

"Yes, he should recover. He was awake and more concerned about you!" the doctor explained.

He didn't understand that. Why should anyone be concerned for him? He had failed them many times before succeeding in getting them free. Besides he had almost let his anxiety overwhelm him. That could have killed them all.

"Rodney, you can relax now. He is okay. They are all okay. You need to calm." he heard the doctor instructing urgently. He noted a syringe on the desk within reach. Still Carson wanted to try without it first.

"Breathe. Just breathe. I don't want to up your dose but if I need to..." he heard Carson saying.

He tried to focus on that. On the doctors warm hands clutching his, betraying his worry. He coughed but managed at last. The tightness loosened slightly. Sometime later, he was feeling exhausted but could breathe at last.

"Good boy. You did well Rodney" Carson praised.

Rodney couldn't feel annoyed, he was too tired.

"It was just a panic attack. It all okay now. Your safe here." Carson explained softly.

Rodney still felt embarrassed. But accepted the comfort all the same.

"Do they happen often?" Carson asked.

"Uh..often no… that was the uh first -" he tried to lie.

"Don't bullshit me! You clearly know what they are and how to deal with them. Now answer me honestly." Carson scolded.

The defensive look left his eyes and he suddenly felt vulnerable. "Fine. Yes, they happen often but you can't tell anyone. They would think I was weak." he said quietly, trying not to snap too much.

"Its not weakness. We can manage it. Did it happen on the last mission?" Carson assured.

"Yeah, but...well I didn't want to die. Not fond of tight spaces either. Plus that bug had John! John...uh...could have died. Well he did but...well of course you know..." he said awkwardly.

"Yes. I know that the major is safe and alive because of you. Its okay to admit your were frightened. We all were. We care about him, its only natural that we would be scared." assured Carson.

He must have looked surprised for Carson laughed.

"But no one else..." he trailed off.

Carson shook his head. "Had a panic attack? No. But we were still scared. Even our fearless leader. We had each other. You don't have to keep your emotions inside, to build up until they hurt you. We are there to help if you want it. Just keep it in mind." he said calmly.


End file.
